Death and Grief.
My heart breaks and re-breaks every time I think about it. I am feeling so many feelings that I don't know how I feel.
For some reason, God has kept death and grief away from me until now; until I turned 45.
I got a taste of it when my Pop Pop died in 2019. It was sudden. Totally unexpected. Although I grieved through it, my biggest feeling was sorrow for my grandma. The sorrow I felt for her loss outweighed the grief I felt for my loss.
Throughout my life, as I saw others deal with death and grief, I was very aware that I hadn't...yet. As thankful as I was for that - truly grateful - I was also cognizant that it was coming.
As a kid, I would mourn my grandma and my dog, Tuff. I had a strong feeling of missing them already. Like I knew they wouldn't last forever and I loved them so much that I missed them before they were gone. Sounds weird, but it was how I felt and I remember it vividly.
We put Tuff down my freshman year of college, 1997 or '98. We had him for like 12 years. He was my brother. I was sad, but it wasn't that bad. I cried and I moved on. I'll never forget him, I tell stories about him from time to time and sometimes accidentally call my current dog, Tuff. That's my homie for life.
My grandma will be gone soon. As I type, she is in her home in a hospital bed and showing the signs in the book that the hospice nurse gave us, When Death is Near. My grandma is my most favorite person on earth. I actually don't know how I'll live without her. My heart breaks and re-breaks every time I think about it. I am feeling so many feelings that I don't know how I feel.
When my Pop Pop died, I wondered which was worse - grieving a quick and unexpected death or grieving a long drawn out death. Maybe I shouldn't have asked that question. While they both suck, the answer, for me, is the latter. Thinking more about that, I think the age of the person is a factor, too. In a long drawn out death, though, you see the person suffer and feel the pain over and over before they're even gone. The grieving process starts before an actual death occurs. It's the most not fun roller coaster of emotions that people have been riding since sin entered the world; the majority of us are waiting in line for this ride.
I think I'm thinking too much about me. Holy Spirit, help me to focus on my LORD who is with me and more importantly with my grandma as she prepares to be with you. I think she is scared. Please, Father, allow her to see your son, Jesus, and experience His peace. Allow her to know that we will be ok because You will not leave us or forsake us. Allow her to know that we will be with her in glory, in Jesus' name.